Interview} Libby Aurigemma, Founder of The Sugars

Introducing the T1D Interview Series!

I hope you’re easing into 2020 like a knife slicing through a block of room-temperature butter. Weird that my brain went to that simile, but we’re ROLLING WITH IT.

Boy, have I got a new year treat for you! I spoke to Libby Aurigemma, founder of the online boutique shop for diabetes merch The Sugars. We discuss her type 1 diabetes journey, her highs and lows with the T1D life (pun very much intended), where she finds support and why she decided to launch The Sugars.

And oh yeah, we end with a quick-fire round, my favourite.

Libby’s an all-round babe. If you want to follow her online, check out her Instagram here and her online shop here.

Without further ado…

Hey Libby! Thanks for coming on. Can you start by telling us your T1D journey? 

I was diagnosed at 17 when I was a junior in high school. Confusingly, I had very few symptoms aside from excessive thirst and peeing every 43 seconds. Thankfully, my mom has a spidey sense and caught on to something not being right and took me to my paediatrician right away. I was rushed to the hospital later that afternoon, but for no real emergency other than getting me on insulin right away. I only had to spend two nights in the hospital, but the whole experience was so sudden and surprising that it really threw me. 

What do you wish you’d known when you were newly diagnosed?

That it’s okay to be a person with “a thing”. My whole life, I had been extremely fortunate to have experienced minimally disruptive adversity. I was very used to being comfortable in my life and body, and to suddenly have such a label and commitment to an illness was so daunting and overwhelming. It took me years to learn to feel pride in being someone who carries a challenging burden. 

What is the worst thing about T1D?

The challenges around spontaneous physical activity. I always tell myself if I wasn’t a T1D I’d be a competitive endurance athlete because without the stress of diabetes management, I’d be in the best shape of my life. I mean…that or like a total bagel-a-holic! Trust me, I know and believe that if I really put my mind to it, I could do that now, but the additional stress of training on top of managing my diabetes would take a lot of the joy out of the experience for me personally. 

(Curveball Q…) what is the best thing about T1D? 

The toughness and patience it has taught me! Like I said before, I had a smooth sail through life until this point, and having diabetes has taught me to love and appreciate how much I can do everyday despite having diabetes. 

What are the main challenges of living with T1D?

That it’s ALWAYS on. Who knew that the amount of glucose in my bloodstream impacted every element of my life from my ability to focus at work, go for a run, go out to eat, have a drink, enjoy wearing a swim suit or even have sex. It’s an ever-present nag to have my act together, and that can be very tiring!  

How do you deal with these challenges?

I’ve practised (for years) detaching emotion from numbers. After a lot of practice, I’ve learned to just react and move on. I do my very best to remove judgement or sadness from what I see on my Dexcom. If I’m high, there are multiple solutions to that problem. A meltdown is not one of those solutions.  

Where do you find support/how do you access support?

My Instagram community! Every time I spend time in there chatting with other people facing what I do, I feel a little better. I also have an amazing husband who is very much a problem solver. He gives me space when I need it, lets me cry when it’s necessary, and brings me my supplies when I forget it at home.  

Can you recommend any great podcasts or blogs?

There are loads! I’m a huge Rob Howe fan, and I think his podcast is top notch: DiabeticsDoingThings. There’s also the The Juice Box Podcast and Pancreas Pals that are really fun! I don’t really read blogs as much as I used to…I think Instagram has taken over!

Have you ever ‘hidden’ your T1D?

OOOOOH yeah. After college, I was dating for the first time in a long time (I had a bf all through college — ugh) and had just switched to an insulin pump from pens. This was when I first started hiding my diabetes because I couldn’t bear to share what I thought was an embarrassing side of me with someone I’d just met. My now husband, on the other hand, offered to wear an infusion site of my Medtronic pump for a whole night when we first started dating because he so desperately wanted to know what it felt like. Guess I chose a good one.  

How do you think T1D has affected your relationship with your body?

At first, it wasn’t a great combo. I was already very insecure about my size as a teenager. I always had the biggest hips and chest out of everyone even though I felt like I was just as fit and ate the same as everyone else. I was not very nice to myself, and adopted the common thought of “my body betrayed me” when I was diagnosed. However, as I’ve gotten older, I now believe the exact opposite! I feel the utmost need to protect and care for my body because I am playing a “woman down” on my body’s team without my pancreas. It’s not my fault that this happened to me, so why would I punish myself for it? I deserve to treat myself with respect, feel proud and be compassionate towards myself, always always always! 

How do you think T1D has changed your approach to life and living? 

It’s made me a kinder person. It’s also made me realise what is and isn’t a big deal. Both of these things have made me a better, more grateful person. I used to be extremely impatient (ok, fine, I still am sometimes), quick to temper, and judgemental of other people. But now I understand that everyone is struggling with something in their life, and it’s important to always assume the best in other people’s intentions. We’re all just doing our best. 

T1D is classified as a physical condition, but we all know there is an emotional burden too. Could you describe your experiences?

Oy, how much time do you have!? My experience, like most people’s, has had its fair share of ups and downs. About three years ago, I had the scariest low of my diabetic career (was in the 20s/1.1mmols), and it scared the living sh*t out of me. This caused me to go into about a year of just … darkness. I was sad, I was lethargic, I was afraid of everything and I really couldn’t muster up the strength to feel anything other than anxiety. It took a pretty big toll on me, but with a lot of self-care, work and therapy, I finally pulled myself out of it. 

After that storm, I have felt a renewed sense of self, strength and appreciation for my resilience. I am able to cope with tough or frightening experiences with a much leveller head, and work my way through without experiencing such debilitating fear. It’s quite refreshing, and I constantly work to maintain a clear headspace about my diabetes. Leaning on community, practising cognitive behavioural therapy, simplifying my life and spending time with myself were really the keys to putting me in a better headspace. 

When did you launch The Sugars and what was the reason behind that?

I launched The Sugars in 2011ish. It started as a blog because I needed a space for my ramblings. I was a very lonely diabetic in college because I was so put off by the label of having diabetes, that I didn’t have an ounce of desire to meet anyone else with T1D. After college, I realised that there had to be other 20-somethings going through exactly what I was, and if I created a forum that was more appropriate for our age and lifestyle, maybe I could make a difference. That’s when I started making apparel with funny lines on it. At the time, there was nothing like it out there — now, there are hundreds of shops! I wanted to bring some levity and humour to the space to help empower young women to feel more proud of having T1D, and less embarrassed by how medicinal and sterile everything felt. 

Fast forward 9 years and here we are! It’s been a huge journey, I’ve met so many incredible people, and I’m incredibly grateful for all of the doors it has opened for me. 

What is your favourite product from The Sugars online shop?

OOh this is a tough one. Well, I love all my children equally, but I especially love the new line of retro tees. I’m obsessed with all things 60s & 70s right now, and these tees are super comfy while being on-trend.  I also love the hats and totes because you can just throw them on without planning your whole outfit around a diabetes slogan on your shirt. It’s just a “pop of diabetes” if you will.

BONUS quick-fire round:

Pump or pens?

Pump! Team Omnipod!

Finger pricks or CGM?

Dexcom, all the way!

Juice box or jelly babies?

Juice!

Balmy summer nights or crisp wintry mornings?

Crisp, wintry mornings

Yoga or running?

Running. I always have a 10K of sorts on my horizon. (Me too, Libby).  

Meditation or yoga?

Yoga…still honing my fairly poor meditation skills

Porridge or pancakes?

What an adorably British question. Pancakes! (Ha!)

Diet Coke or Kombucha?

Kombucha

Novorapid or Fiasp?

I’ve never tried either!

Perfect Bar or Justin’s PB?

Perfect Bar omg yum

Morning bird or night owl?

Night owl

‘Will test for tacos’ or ‘Make my pancreas great again’?

Will test for tacos. I LOVE me some tacos, and hate me some Trump. 

Thank you, Libby, for shining brightly in the T1D community!

Why Do Women Feel So Much Guilt? | restlessmagazine.net

Published in Restless Magazine in October 2019.

It all started with Fleabag. Naturally.

Like any good Waller-Bridge devotee, I was merrily tucking in to the second series with relish. Like everybody else, I was struck by that scene. I’ll never hear the word ‘kneel’ in the same way again. The Sexy Priest and Fleabag’s frisson came after a monumental build up, with me desperate for it to happen, yet when it did, all I could feel was guilt.

Despite me having no involvement in these fictional characters’ lives, I couldn’t avoid it. It made me realise how often I feel guilty (spoiler alert, almost always), and got me thinking – guilt really is the most useless kind of emotion. You can’t do anything with it. Unlike fear, anger or happiness, emotions that generally motivate and drive change, guilt is retrospective and impotent. It tends to curdle.

As a woman in her 30s, conscious of wanting to ‘get things right’ and eager to please, I am guilt’s prime candidate. Guilt creeps into every aspect of my life, on an almost daily basis: should I have given my seat to that (possibly pregnant) woman on the tube? Did that joke come out more cutting than witty? Am I working too hard? Or not enough? Have I called my grandmother lately? Guilty as charged. I watched Love Island – and felt guilty for enjoying it. Hell, I feel guilty about feeling guilty. I struggled to write this article. If that’s not the biggest dose of ironicl guilt, then I don’t know what is.

A guy I was dating once tried to tell me that feelings of guilt fade, but regret stays with you forever. I thought he was wrong at the time and I still think he’s wrong. All those years ago I missed the subtext of his words: he was trying to break up with me. The kicker is that it was me who took on the guilt and he left without regret. How is that fair?

Well, women tend to feel guiltier than men. As the concept of ‘guilty women and guilt-free men’ has no physical or evolutionary benefit, researchers have speculated that social conditioning drives this gender disparity. For example, the female predisposition towards empathy and compassion allows women to readily take on the emotions of others, blurring the boundaries of ‘what’s mine’ and ‘what’s yours’. This would tally with Estrada-Hollenbeck and Heatherton’s 1998 theory that feeling guilty may occur when someone feels responsible for another person’s negative state. I know that I often shoulder the guilt (and blame) if someone else feels bad, even if wasn’t my fault for making them unhappy.

Now, I’m not saying that all women fall foul to the never-ending loop of inadequacy or that some men will never suffer from joy-robbing feelings of remorse. However, my anecdotal experience as a guilty woman does correspond to the theories and research outlined above. It seems we, as women, set personal goals as high as some of the tallest mountains, that – in all seriousness – would need an aeroplane to reach. But it’s also the smallest things we give ourselves a hard time over. I’ve sat with female friends feeling the bitter burn of despair after eating a Yorkie that wasn’t on their nutrition plan. I’m yet to sit with a male friend who’s chastising himself for not cleaning his bathroom.

Of course, female guilt is multifactorial and as layered as any proverbial onion. It is made manifest at different life stages and through individual circumstances. I couldn’t write this piece without mentioning that slice of guilt reserved solely for mothers. It seems women can’t do right for wrong at a time when their bodies have undertaken a marathon, their minds fraught and their sleep deprivation at a level similar to a form of torture – and yet, there is an open-door policy for everyone to critique, judge and comment on women’s parenting style. Last December, my male friend was carrying his new-born from his house to a restaurant. It was a short walk and the baby wasn’t particularly wrapped up. We passed a group of middle-aged women who all started to coo, not just at the babe-in-arms but also the father – look, here is a man carrying his child! – yet I couldn’t help wondering what sort of reception these women would have given us if the baby had been carried by her mother – loud whispers and tuts about inappropriately dressing her daughter, perhaps?

Maybe I’m being unfair on these middle-aged women. Maybe not – evidence shows that women are often the main perpetrators of making other women feel bad. A study from the University of Arizona found that women are often meaner to each other than men are to women. These researchers also found existence of something known as “Queen Bee Syndrome” – the phenomenon of powerful women being disliked disproportionately more by other women than by men. One reason behind this is because powerful women are seen to violate gender expectations. A good example is former Democratic presidential nominee Hilary Clinton, whose fan base was higher when she was in her supporting roleas First Lady, than when she ran for office.

There is also the guilt projected onto women who do not have children. I won’t go into the multitude of reasons why women might not be mothers. What I will say is that Western culture perceives these women to have done something wrong. Either too selfish for putting their careers ahead of family, too slow for leaving it too late or so socially deviant they should be labelled ‘spinster’ or ‘crazy cat lady’, as Jody Day (a childless woman) discussed during her 2017 TedX talk.

The social sphere is another territory rife for female guilt. Not supporting friends enough when they’re having a rough time, not celebrating friends enough when they want you to partake in their hen parties / birthday trips abroad / weddings / recent promotion. Juggling family needs, maintaining satisfactory friendships and work-based interpersonals all require energy. We can’t be everything to everyone. For those guilt-prone, when someone shows dissatisfaction with you, you’re more likely to feel guilty – even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

What about productivity guilt? Let me set the scene: a completely clear day with a ginormous to-do list and a headstrong attitude. Fast forward to 10pm when you’ve achieved less than a quarter of your allocated tasks, which has made you agitated and feeling distinctly ‘less than’. With reflection, you realise that the to-do list was setting you up to fail – an impossible amount to complete in one day – yet you (like most) embody the self-flagellation with gusto. In reality, we know we’re not robotic, yet the continuous, female-targeted messages of ‘having it all’ are not lost on us. Raising a family, having a successful career, maintaining an enviable fitness regime and keeping up with fashion trends (hello, Zara polka dot) is often an impossible juggle, leading to guilty feelings when we fail to pull it all off.

This begs the question – what can be done with guilt? If female guilt is so rife and the emotion so stubbornly stagnant, do we simply chalk it up to experience, as the bread-and-butter of the human condition and learn to live with it? Or is there a way over it? I hope so.

It’s important to address our individual guilty feelings. To question them, to interrogate them. To dismantle their power and function. It is not until we give a big middle finger to worrying about what others think, or until we dismiss societal roles that we can reject the guilt imposed on us by people that do not accept the varied paths that women can, and should, take in their lives. Guilt is so wrapped up in how others view our decisions and choices, we must ignore those who undermine and belittle, and those who question our lifestyles simply because they are different from their own. Once we do that, we can stop rebuking ourselves and start living the way we want to.

After all, if I were caught up in a confessional with Fleabag’s Sexy Priest, I really hope guilt would be at the back of my mind.

Photograph by Sydney Sims @ unsplash